THE CARETAKER WITHIN

Simply Choose Love
Make the choice for love.
We do not say it is easy.
But it is simple.

Seeds 2001

Many of us journey through life taking responsibility for others.
We offer our service freely. We take on many different jobs and responsibilities
in all different arenas from family matters, to friendship, to work
or to community service. Sometimes our lives can seem surprisingly
full and rich while at other times we may feel resentful, burdened
and energetically drained. We have all heard the term Co-dependency
that became a focus of psychotherapy in the early 1980’s. Thousands
of books have been written to identify the symptoms of Co-dependent
behavior and of how to make effective changes in our life. Most of
this work studied people who suffered from addictions, such as mental
health disorders, alcoholism, narcotics, workaholics, and over eating.
Programs were also developed for family members who suffered along
with the person who was addicted. They were given the labels of Care
Taker or Enabler. Family members or friends learned unhealthy coping
mechanism that supported the addict’s behavior. Many of us
in society do not suffer from the aforementioned addictions yet we
may have other addictions that go unnoticed such as Care taking or
unhealthy thoughts that recycle and cause other types of relational
problems.

In this article, I am offering the reader an opportunity to explore
aspects of Unhealthy Care Taking that may inhibit growth in the following
areas: physical and mental health, relationships to family, friends
and co-workers, and accomplishing personal life tasks. The Principles
and Charts below can be applied to all areas of your life from family
and friends, to work and community service. The Charts can help uncover
places where you operate in the world from a habitual unhealthy place.
You may be trying to fill some unmet needs for unconditional love
and acceptance from your parents or caregiver. So the pattern of
Care Taking can be traced all the way back to infancy where the mother – other
was insufficiently able to mirror the Infant or child’s real
needs. In this distortion the child learns to mirror to the m(other)
what she needs. The pattern is mapped in the psyche and is supported
by the life force to continue searching for ways to satisfy the unmet
need. As time goes by this quality of Care taking the other becomes
a natural part of the person’s personality. You may always
hear someone say, “Oh, he is such a nice guy. He does so many
things for people. Or look at her; she is always active in so many
things. We can depend on her to get things done.” The positive
reward for Care Taking is being liked or loved by the outside world
for what one does .

Candace Pert in her book “Molecules of Emotion” states “ Your
Brain is extremely well integrated with the rest of your body at
a molecular level, so much so that the term mobile brain is an apt
description of psychosomatic network through which intelligent information
travels from one system to another. The neuropeptides and receptors,
which are the biochemicals of emotion, act as messengers carrying
information to link the major systems of the body into one unit that
we can call the body- mind (pg. 188-189)”

The Caretaker continues to find anything that will give him or her
that biochemical fix that satiates the brain/body with the same chemicals
that created soothing in infancy and childhood. Yet, the person is
still at unrest and never fully feels satisfied. The habit of helping
others is set in place and the body’s chemistry is an active
component in keeping the pattern in place. Just as a heroine addict
may need another fix, so does the Caretaker’s body need those
chemicals that cause soothing, even if the chemicals are mapped with
a maladaptive behavior that the caretaker unconsciously repeats.
The process is similar to Pavlov’s stimulus –response
theory. Through behavioral modification of matching the sound of
a bell and food, Pavlov’s dog learned to salivate after only
hearing the ring of the bell. The caretaker will pick up nonverbal
signals from the environment and automatically respond with preprogrammed
behaviors.

Unfortunately, the person may be so disconnected from having their
real need for unconditional love met that they may not even recognize
unconditional love when it is there. The neurotransmitters do not
pick up the signal for authentic unconditional love and have not
trained the receptor sites. The Neuropeptides that carry the expression
of unconditional love are mapped with the behavior of care taking
rather than the authentic sense of being cared for or caring for
the self. Candace Pert discovered the receptor sites for opiates
by experimenting with Naloxone, a potent drug that reverses the effect
of overdosing on heroine. The Naloxone actually bumped the heroine
from the receptor cite by displacing it and occupying the site itself
(Pert, 58). By using this analogy, researchers may also find that
the molecules of emotion may act in the very same way. Our habitual
behaviors may actually create chemicals in the brain that act as
substitutes for the original emotional need.

From the auric field perspective, the person actua lly defends against
what it is striving to receive. Many times we reject authentic unconditional
caring and love that comes to us moment to moment in our daily lives.
Our defenses are activated to protect us from feeling the emotional
pain surrounding the childhood event where the real need was not
met. Unconsciously, the image and therefore behavior is formed with
an emotional charge and biochemical response. The intention at the
cellular level has been formed around the idea that having real needs
are emotionally painful and therefore need to be suppressed. While
trying to find alternate behaviors that would replace the original
need therefore forcing it into the unconscious and sublimating the
original need with the new behavior and thus the biochemical.

For the Caretaker, the Hara Line ä , the line of intention,
is aligned to repeat the pattern of care taking as a way of receiving
nurturance from the environment. The unconscious misalignment keeps
the caretaker in separation from their Divine Core and receiving
unconditional love from self and others.

© Donna Evans Strauss 12/18/04

“ Within the great silence of the unborn, Spirit whispers
a sublime secret, an otherwise hidden truth of ones very essence:
You, in this and every moment, abide as Spirit itself, an immutable
radiance beyond mortal suffering of time and experience. Spirit itself
is the very heart of one’s own awareness, and it has always
been so.” Ken Wilber, The Simple Feeling of Being: Embracing
Your True Nature

Learning to recognize our unmet real needs and nurturing ourselves
from the fountain of Divine energy that is stored beneath our defense
and negative intentions heals the habitual response to care take.
Nurturance from the divine core, self-acceptance and self-love opens
us to examine our lives, our choices and awakens our courage to bring
forth creative longings. It may be the Key that unlocks the door
to bringing our authentic potential into fruition and freeing our
spirit to love and create unabashedly.

Contemplate the following principles to recognize places where your
unhealthy caretaker may be keeping you from expressing your deepest
creative longings.

6 Main Principles of Unhealthy Care Taking:

• Care taking another always prevents the other from fulfilling
  their responsibility therefore crippling them of their authentic
  sense of achievement and self-esteem.

• Care taking always has some bargain for an unmet need to be met
  (Usually Love) and leaves the Caretaker resentful when the unspoken
  rule/bargain is not redeemed.

• Care taking prevents the caretaker from taking care of the self
  and real needs. It diverts the consciousness onto another in hopes
  of the reward to be finally loved.

• Care taking is rooted in earlier phases of life where the child
  wasn’t effectively mirrored. The child unconsciously learns
  to take care of the mother or father’s needs. They do this
  in hopes to finally be unconditionally cared for- to be ultimately
  loved.

• Unconsciously, The life force or id (drive energy) is set in
  motion to meet the unmet need via Care taking and the process becomes
  an addiction. The person is driven beyond reason to provide for
  others what they so desperately wanted or needed as a child.

• The Caretaker usually has some hidden dream, longings or desires
  that never seem to come into fruition. Henceforth, they usually
  blame others or circumstance for not bringing their life’s
  work into fruition.

© Donna Evans Strauss 12/18/04

Subtle Ways We Take Care of Others:

• We habitually clean up after others at home or work.
• We habitually say yes when asked–without considering our deeper
  needs.
• We habitually do work for others without asking them or letting
  them know it is their job.
• We habitually run errands or do projects for others without considering
  our own first.

Warning Signs to recognize that you may be operating from the Unhealthy
Caretaker

• Blaming
• Exhaustion
• Hopelessness
• Judging
• Resentment
• Superiority
• Fear
• Unfulfillment

Blaming arises from the unspoken rule that undergirds the
Caretaker’s habitual defense. Discontent arises. The Caretaker
does not reveal the unconscious level of bargaining for unconditional
love. Instead the act of doing for others conceals the unmet need
and the unspoken rule that the receiver must oblige in some way.
When the other person does not meet these unspoken expectations,
the caretaker habitually blames the other for not complying. Unfortunately,
the blamed person feels confused and often set-up in some way. The
caretaker often feels used by others, which continues the cycle of
immature love and lack of fulfillment of the unmet need.

Exhaustion arises from the unmet need never being acknowledged
by the caretaker. The habitually pattern enlivens itself through
the biochemistry by getting its fix of Neuropeptides fueled from
the emotions that flood the body as the caretaker relentless tries
gain to meet the unmet need. This leads the person into hopelessness
and sometimes depression. Another set of Neuropeptides now flood
the system and reinforce the habitual cycle.

ã Donna Evans Strauss 12/18/04

Hopelessness , a near death experience, arises from exhausting
ones resources to fulfill the unmet need. By near death experience,
I mean the caretaker actually feels s/he will die unless the other
recognizes the idealized image surrounding the unconscious unmet
need. The person is thrown into a state of confusion for lack of
understanding the deeper calling within the self. Stepping through
the doorway of hopelessness can shed some light on uncovering the
deeper call within. Many times the caretaker will meet this door
and feel the immense amount of pain and move outward again into the
habitual pattern. Stepping through the door to experience one’s
pain and darker images takes the person through the path of finding
oneself and the real underlying needs.

Judgment creates a cycle that barricades unconditional
love from being experienced. Instead, the caretaker judges the outer
world for not providing the idealized image and severely criticizes
the self for not achieving it. Judgment is another way to circumvent
the discovery of the real need. When s/he walks through the doorway
of hopelessness and discovers aspects of him/herself that are undeveloped,
shameful, or in distortion there is a tendency to judge these aspects
from the internalized critical parent, better known as the harsh
superego. Dismantling the harsh superego, is taking another step
toward enlightening the soul and becoming free from the internalized
programming of the critic.

Reprogramming the psyche to receive self-acceptance and self –love
is the healing elixir for self-judgment and can be challenging at
first. Uncovering and discovering all aspects of the self; good or
bad, without judgment is the primary objective to reprogramming the
biochemistry of the brain and the addiction to the Neuropeptides.
These chemicals are activated from the emotional body and attached
to the vicious cycle of self- judgment and self- condemnation.

Resentment captures the heart and closes the valves to
receiving and giving unconditional love. The heart closes in pain
from the unmet need and the despair from trying unsuccessfully to
meet it. The pain is so unbearable that the image is stored beneath
that one is truly unlovable and therefore the other person or situation
needs to be cut off. The self-hatred and distain for the other becomes
primarily hidden from view, masked by our Care taking. We try to
find another way or situation that might lead us to the prime directive.
The deeper meaning of unconditional love—something that is
seemly unattainable unless we give ourselves over to another cycle
of care taking. Again, our biochemistry is hooked like an addict
trying to get a fix. The “Negative Love Bond” is created.
This cycle actually means love to the person that is hooked. And,
yes within the cycle, actions and reactions there is love. For everything
is made from Love. It is the cycle that recreates the emptiness inside
and unfulfillment that the addict craves rather than recognizing
and experiencing unconditional love and/or positive regard for the
self.

Superiority arises from sublimating the unmet need and
rising above it. Building oneself up out of fear that the unmet need
is irrational and can never be obtained. It acts as a protective
shield from feeling the underlying pain that is bottled up inside.
The deepest pain is avoided in hopes of replacing it with admiration
from the outside world. Admiration that never fills the empty void
that inhabits the soul who stammers in the darkness looking for something
unknown and avoids the real self that shimmers delightfully beneath
the pain. The drug of choice, Neuropeptides if you will, derives
itself from the emotional front activated by superiority. The person
is left with a sense of unfulfillment after achieving a sense of
status.

Fear , an unpleasant and often strong emotion caused by
expectation or awareness of danger. Adrenaline, a hormone produced
in the body to prepare us to react to real danger is produced each
time we perceive imagined or real danger. Research has shown that
the same chemicals are produced in the body when someone imagines
a situation as to when it actually is occurring. Our unconscious
childhood fears, images and beliefs can be mapped to produce these
same chemicals and respond to current situations as if one is facing
some imminent danger. Fear many times causes inertia and inhibits
one from bringing their unmet real needs to the surface and represses
the creative life force and longings from surfacing. Or, fear can
cause someone to overcompensate by care taking others and repression
one’s own real needs. Both create the same chemicals that flood
the system and support the defenses.

Unfulfillment of one’s innermost desires, dreams,
and longings are a primary source of pain, resentment, and self-judgment
for the caretaker. Personal longings are buried beneath the myriad
of excuses that include physical, mental, emotional exhaustion, blaming
others for the lack of support or not having enough time or money.
The Caretaker often feels incapable of bringing one’s own passion
into the world. Yet, may be very capable to help others with their
passion or projects that need done. Usually the Caretaker is quite
competent in accomplishing many things that others cannot. Yet, mystified
when focusing on his or her projects and dreams. For the caretaker
all of one’s creative life force is locked into the pattern
of creating for others to eventually receive Unconditional Love and
the secondary gain of power and control through being needed.

Unfulfillment ultimately arises out of one’s inability to
be nourished directly from the Core essence or better yet from the
Caretakers direct relationship with God and fulfilling one’s
life task.

Caring for the self at the deepest level of ones being requires
the person to release the limbic attachment that forms a negative
love bond that enables others to form dependent relationships on
the Caretaker. It is having the courage to turn one’s attention
directly to the fountain of wisdom, compassion and authentic love
from the source of spirit in order to have the real needs met.

In order to become a whole person the foundation of being arises
from directly knowing one is holy and an expression of spirit. Nothing
else can satisfy this deepest longing that is hardwired in the deep
limbic system. Caring for one’s relationship to the divine
brings wholeness and security, which wires the limbic system to healthy
nourishing love. Humble self love and self acceptance become an elixir
of healing that authentically nourishes the soul releasing Neuropeptides
into the brain which facilitates and helps release any attachment
to the cycle of care taking. As a result Unconditional Love experienced
and expressed through our divinity releases others from our enabling
behaviors, blaming, judgments and resentments. It allows others to
take responsibility for their lives and frees their creative energies.

Create a Chart + I do this and – I don’t do this

• Make a list of all the projects and assignments you do from home
  and family life, friendships, work or community service.
• Make a + or – sign to depict whether you blame others for
  your unfulfillment
• Make a + or – sign to depict whether you feel exhausted doing
  the job
• Make a + or – sign to depict whether you feel hopeless
  and can’t get out of the situation.
• Make a + or – sign to depict whether you judge others
• Make a + or – sign to depict whether you resent others
• Make a + or – sign to depict whether you feel superior
  to others in your position.
• Make a + or – sign to depict whether you have a sense of
  unfulfillment in your life.
• Choose 1 area where you have 4 or more – signs and ask
  the following questions